Thursday, May 15, 2008

I think I need professional help.

I'm sick of people stealing my stuff. My kids' bikes. My identity. My purse. My iPod, most recently. (really torked about that one).
Caroline's bike got stolen from school last week. Right out of the bike lot. I blame myself. I picked her up early from school with a scathing case of double pink eye and took her to the McDonald's drive-thru with nary a thought of her bike at school for the entire weekend.

Fast forward to yesterday, 6:00pm. Caroline and I on our way to the mall to scout out modest dresses for 8th grade graduation for my niece Deven. (good luck).

Caroline: "Mom, that bike looks a lot like my bike!"

Details become a little blurry here. I pulled over towards the sidewalk, and sure enough, some teenage vato loco was riding my seven-year old's turquoise bike with pink decals. He looked like a idiot. Wouldn't you steal a boy's bike if you were a teenage boy? This chap has the common sense of a speed bump.

Me: "Get off my daughter's bike."

Nothin. I repeated the request in a more commanding "I'm-a-mother-of-four-I-just-did-a-triathlon-don't-mess-around-with-me, Beto!" tone. So he looks me in the eye, and takes off on the bike the other way, down a sidewalk.

{Embarrassing vigilante stint follows}:

Did he really think that my 2005 Ford Expedition couldn't jump that ridiculous curb and apprehend him through the greenbelt? Was it wrong of me to have chased him down with my car until he looked back in abject fear, saw me barrelling towards him in a very large SUV, freaked out, ditched the bike, and started running?
Well, carpe diem, Chato. I suppose I can't blame him for not knowing of my lust for all things off-road. He couldn't possibly have known that I've (so far) wrecked a snowmobile, three-wheeler (remember those?), quad, jetski, and even sank my dad's boat. Now THAT'S a good story. It's a crying shame that we all drive around in these great sport utility vehicles with four wheel drive and never really USE them for what they're intended. It makes me sad, really.
Here's where a little remorse sets in. Perhaps it was over the top to slam on the brakes, throw said SUV in park, leap out of the car, kick my flip flops off and haul after him like a woman possessed. By this time, several families had wondered why an SUV was tearing through the greenbelt in back of their homes as they dined outside on their patios. Before I knew it, and thanks to my incessant shouting "GET THAT GUY!" I had several dads on foot and even on bike chasing the perp, as well as a couple of ladies with cell phones telling me that they had the police on the line. Would I like to talk to them? Not now, please. With newfound physical confidence that only completing my first triathlon could have infused into me, I kept running, until his mangy friend gave him his bike and he rode off.
After several "You go, lady!" whoops from the neighbors, who are also sick of getting their crap ripped off, I went back to the car, consoled Caroline, and let my heart-rate stabilize.
I thought I might need the paddles.

I know I snapped. Anybody know a good therapist who specializes in "post-traumatic stress disorder/general bad judgement"? I'm so tired of being victimized, that this poor acne-ridden nitwit with multiple ear piercings got the brunt of my psychosis. What would I have done had I actually caught him? Lecture him? Hug him and forgive him? Citizens arrest? Dunno.
I slunk home knowing that I would catch heck from McRuleKeeper. He just laughed and shook his head. He knows not to mess with Texas.

Caroline: (a little freaked out) "Mom, I've never seen you go crazy like that before."
She was OK after some rootbeer floats at home.

Good news: I got my daughter's bike back. Caroline loves that bike. Plus it wasn't cheap.
More good news: The cops did NOT cite me for driving like a maniac through the grassy greenbelt, rather they smiled and said: "Ma'am, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do".

Bad news: He got away.
More bad news: Chasing him through the park was delightful.
Told you I need therapy.


MrsPebs said...

hahahaha!!! I love that you chased him. I would pay $$$$ to see that :)

Andrea and Zach said...

I'm on a natural high just reading about it! That's awesome! I'm sure Caroline was impressed with your "anything for my daughter" attitude!

Anonymous said...


I am seriously laughing my head off. I think I might print up your story and look at it anytime I'm feeling down. It seriously made my day. (Although I am really sorry about your stuff getting ripped off).

You really need to ask my dad to tell you about the time we chased down a lady who he thought threw a box in the front yard. We were all in the car, so I feel Caroline's pain! ;) And I think my mom has had a few experiences apprehending bike thiefs. The most recent one was a kid stealing her neighbor's bike...the bike was returned, thanks to my mom's chasing him down, I believe.

Scott Creasman said...

No joke. Overheard at the local Circle K:

Hey Vato, that lady was muy loco. Don't she know I never had a little pink bike with the frilly things like that? So. I wanted to take a little joy ride. So, what? I was gonna bring it back to the school yard come Lunes!

I thought she was just playing with me until she hopped that curb and was cruising along like she was gonna hit me like. I wanted to say hey lady, chill out some. But then she goes off on yelling and saying stuff like she didn't know I was bringing it back like.

Becky said...

WHOA! I am so happy that you got her bike!!! It doesn't surprise me a bit- I think I would have done the same! Hooray for you,...see? You trained for the real race right there.

Natalie said...

Proud to know you! You might think your crazy, but there are those of us who are so glad that you have the guts to do what we only wish we could do! Love the factoid about your inner strength coming from the tri! Have to be honest and vouch for you---it DOES give you a sense of "you better watch out" feeling!!

LCFrohm said...

Come see my blog!
You've inspired me!
And, you kinda made me laugh so hard I went tinkle in my g's.

Nic@Nite said...

You are hilarious! Everytime I read your blog I am laughing outloud. Seriously, HILARIOUS!

Brenna said...

OH MY GOSH!!! I am so glad I got to hear it in person and read it on your blog! You are hilarious! I have been laughing to myself whenever I think of you telling this story since yesterday! You have a way with words...let me tell you! LOL Thanks for the laughs and I am glad you got your bike back and didn't get arrested.

Brenna said...

Oops! I post comments as Brenna, but this is Christine. :)

Stacy said...

This story reminds me of another vigilante moment in your past when we were roommates and you chased after our "peeper" in the middle of the night in your pj's & no shoes . . . I'm sure scaring him to death! :) Very funny!

PS-Great job with the race!!!!! I'm so impressed you did it! Must be a great feeling!

Abbie Anna and Megan said...

Okay seriously you are THE BEST! GO YOU!

Elise Norwood said...

That. . . was. . . HIILLLAARIOUS!!! I laughed the whole way through that story and then re-read it to my husband who also got a good laugh! I love it! My husband said, "GOOD FOR HER!" Wow! What a good story. Congrats on the triathlon too!

Elise (Becky's sister)

dave.heather said...

All I have to say is -- Fried Green Tomatoes, Baby! He may be younger and faster, but you're older and have better insurance!! You go girl! Love a good chase scene!

~Heather (high school friend of your sister in law, Steph)

honeybee said...

Wow! what a women! Alice

JB and Kirsti Meyer Family said...

Karen, you don't need professional help, but perhaps the professionals could use your help. You could start an agency, CTI (Cycle Theft Investigators). You would be the hero of the school yard, no bike will be left beneath the perps bum. True to the West vigilantism at work!

shell said...

that was the most Awesome story I have ever read. Ever! You have got to be the coolest person in the world. I am so glad you did that. It makes me want to be brave just like you! Thanks for the laugh. I agree with Andrea when she said she was on a natural high just reading it.

That reminds me of a story that I'll have to tell about myself. but it's not as awesome as yours. but it did jog my memory.

The Ross Family said...

I get more joy out of reading your posts, Always to brighten my day.

elizabeth bryant said...

You. Are. Flippin'. Awesome.

I love you and I love that I know you.

Sara said...

I don't even know you...but I love you! How fun to read your posts. Thanks for the laugh.

friend of Ashley E.H.

Morgan said...

So funny I read it twice today. LOL! Came over from Ashleys blog- loved the story!

Karie said...

Karen you rock!!!! I couldn't stop laughing to myself. Way to go! It reminds me of Napoleon Dynomite "Pedro offers you his protection". The kids at school will know not to mess with you!

Ashley Eddington Hoopes said...

Hey Karen, I meant to post forever ago. Loved your tale...glad the kid did not have a weapon! And a huge congrats on the race. What an accomplishment! Can't wait to see you and the kids at the beach.

Andrea said...

I couldn't stop laughing Karen, we need more vigilante moms like you! I would have done the same thing! You GO GIRL!!!
I am sorry that you are being abused by idiots and getting ripped off, all I can say is hopefully Karma will catch up to all of them!!

Jenny Preece Schomaker said...

SERIOUSLY you crack me up:) WAY to go!!!!

Rachel Harris :) said...

That's too FUNNY!!!